My Confusion
by Bells of Tomorrow
Summary: JD reflects on how hard he tries, how much he cares, and how little the new Chief seems to notice...
1. JD's POV

_**A/N:**_ _I very scarcely write angst or drama, but after last night's episodes, I really needed to get this off of my chest. Please keep in mind that I did not dislike last night's episodes, but they still made me sad. (For both Dr. Cox and JD) But this was screaming at me to be written, so I did. And no, this isn't slash. Just my take on what may be some of JD's thoughts as to what's been going down between him and his mentor._

_**Disclaimer: **I own a very large nothing._

**My Confusion**

I don't get it.

Since day one, I have always, _always_ tried to please him. I followed him all over the place, and okay, maybe that just served to further his annoyance with me, but I was trying to learn from him; trying to _be _him, and whenever he demeaned me or insulted me, I would turn the other cheek and follow. Whenever he would shout my name (okay, more like some random girls' name) or whistle in that ear piercing way he does, I would always be there.

Even five years later, when I had finally become an attending, I was there. Sure, it wasn't exactly student and teacher any more, but he was still a mentor to me, and I thought, despite his never wanting to admit it, I was still, in a way, his student; even if I _had_ made it into my own as a doctor. (Something I am still very proud of, by the way) But he helped me get to that point, and for that I would always be grateful.

I still am.

Then, of course, there were those patients; those three patients that tore through his soul and had him in the worst state I had ever seen him in.

And again, I was there.

Not at first, and for that I blame only myself, but I came to my senses and did my best to pull him out of his slump. And I did. And no, I don't want a medal, and no, I didn't really expect us to become "Best Friends Forever," because of it, but I still thought it was _something._ Some sort of step that brought us to an understanding of one another; that took our relationship above mentor and protégé to a more doctor to doctor, friend to friend, colleague to colleague, type of deal.

Just something.

But his tolerance towards me only lasted for a while, and then, to my astonishment, it actually seemed like he started to dislike me even _more._ I mean, I know I'm not his favorite person in the hospital, but I thought he still sort of, you know…cared? Trusted me to some extent? But his determination to kick me out of the role as Godfather diminished that to its full extent.

Well, at least for a while, but I'm an optimistic person, so I soon went back to believing he cared about me.

And I was right, too! Sure, he never really expressed it, but that's normal for him. I could tell he cared though when he lectured me about being a father, and when he admitted that what Kim did was horrible. I could tell he cared when he went to pick up Sammy from day care without me even asking, even if he did just use it as a joke against me.

I could tell he cared, and it made me really, _really_ happy.

So what's happening now? What's going on?

I thought this year was going to be amazing. I mean, I was right to an extent, wasn't I? Elliot and I are dating again, and it's going great. My interns are a pain, but I can see potential in at least a few of them. My patients are all nice people (though that admittedly tends to make the job harder) and Dr. Cox became the Chief of Medicine! Yay!

Or so I thought, anyway.

I wasn't surprised to see my name on the, "Never Ever, Ever" list. That's typical Dr. Cox, and I'm cool with it. What I was surprised to see, or rather, _hear_, was the words that left his mouth in an angry frenzy, just because I uttered the phrase, "We're cool." I wasn't implying that he didn't know the patients came first. I wasn't. Or at least, I hadn't meant to. But his words came at me like knives, and despite the years of insults and rants and girls' names, I had never heard him sound so bitter when he called me an arrogant, pretentious, self righteous little jackass.

I was hurt, but I chalked it up to the stress of the job, and when Kelso told me, "He's going to hate you," I honestly, _honestly_ didn't believe him. Would he get mad at me? Yes. Was I scared to demand something of him? Yes. But hate? Did I really think he would _hate_ me? No. I didn't. But then, in the parking lot…

"Go to hell."

And he drove away. Not a trace of remorse or guilt to be seen.

It was admittedly foolish of me to think he was serious the next day about the get away vacation. C'mon…Dr. Cox inviting me to a lake side cabin? And a tire swing? Alright, so I'm an idiot, but I was just so _desperate_ to hear some sort of apology; anything that would indicate that he didn't actually hate me.

And then, of course, there was Jack echoing his father words; calling my son ugly… I wasn't mad at Jack, of course. It wasn't his fault. And the words Perry had told him to repeat weren't even what stung. But as I looked at my son who was _named_ after the same person who just called him ugly, well…that stung. That stung a lot.

But I still put all of these thoughts under, "The stress of the new job."

But then, the same damn person who set me up to be hated is now, "Like brothers," with him…? The same person Dr. Cox has claimed to _hate_ for _years_? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad their relationship is turning a new leaf, but…how is it that I've worked my ass off for approval for eight long years, always showing up when he calls, but someone whose enraged him since before I even _got _here has suddenly made it into the ranks as one of Perry Cox's friends?

I don't get it. I don't.

Just weeks ago he was talking to me like an equal. What happened? What did I do wrong? If anything, I thought I've matured this year. Isn't that the kind of thing he's always wanted from me? Wouldn't that make him happy?

But nothing I do ever seems to make him happy.

Elliot tells me it's not stress worthy; that we're adults now and not little interns who need the big bad attendee to approve of us. I understand where she's coming from, but her relationship with Perry has been rocky since day one, so to her, it's just usual Dr. Cox being usual Dr. Cox.

Carla tells me not to worry; that, since getting the job, he's even gotten mad at her. But I'm not buying it.

Turk just calls him a jackass and that's pretty much the end of it. I get it, and I'm glad he's sticking up for me, but I wish he would be willing to discuss it more. After all, even if he isn't friends with Perry, he understands him on some level, what with the "competitive" stuff they do. Maybe he could give me some insight that I'm just not seeing, but he doesn't, so I don't ask any more questions.

I don't know what to do next. How to go about pleasing him. I tried standing up for myself in the cafeteria, but the minute Carla said, "He needs our help," I fell right back in.

For so long I've wanted his approval. For so long I've wanted just one damn hug. Now I'm just hoping to be liked, and even that looks slim.

But I'm a Dorian, and Dorian's are trusting. I can only hope that he'll come around and see me for who I am: Someone who cares about him, despite his bull crap. And maybe, one day, he'll care about me too.

_**A/N: **__I hadn't planned on posting anything before the story I'm currently working on, but as I stated in the above, this was begging me to write it down, so I did. I'm sorry for the random angsty-ness. I can assure you though that this won't be a daily thing. And I really hope this didn't come off as "Anti-Dr. Cox." It isn't; at all. I felt terrible for Perry last night as well, and definitely wouldn't go about bashing him (nor do I think that Dr. Cox honestly hates JD) but I still felt bad for JD too. I'm not even sure if I'm going to keep this up, as it is much moodier than I am used to, but I thought I'd at least share. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it despite its rather moody theme._


	2. Perry's POV

_**A/N:**_ _I wasn't going to have a follow up to this, but a couple of reviewers asked for this in Perry's POV. I actually feel a lot better about the situation after re-watching the episodes, and still remain hopeful that the two won't end on such a negative note. Also, a quick shout-out to __**Quaxo**__, who was kind enough to share her thoughts with me on the matter. Anyway, here we go. The second and final part. Enjoy._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own a very large nothing._

I don't get it.

For years the kid has looked up to me as his mentor, his father, and hell, even his friend. And as much as all those whiney neurotic desires of his annoyed me, I never once hated the kid for it. I mean, while it was true I'd never say it out loud, he was the one real consistency in my life; even before Jordan came back into the picture. 'Cause while he changed in his own various ways through out the years, he was still there, always aiming to please; always offering his shoulder. And yeah, I wanted him to grow up on more than one occasion, and yeah, I know I wasn't always what some would describe as "Supportive," but I still cared about him, damn it! Hell, I still do… But I had thought, with the chaos that was me becoming the new Chief of Medicine, Newbie would be, well, Newbie. He'd wear that goofy grin and do his Newbie nonsense and continue being that one consistency that I count on, even if I don't want whatever it is he's offering, even if I don't like letting him know. He's still there and he's still Newbie, and that's what I relied on.

And sure, maybe telling Ted to put his name on the, "Never, Ever, Ever List," didn't help that much, but just because I give a damn doesn't mean I want him in here _all_ the time. I knew no matter what he'd eventually find his way in, but could you imagine if I put him on the "Always" or even, "Sometimes" list? He'd be settled in before I was!

Or at least if he still saw me as me, that is…

Not even twenty-four hours in and doctor after doctor, nurse after nurse, people who've never even _talked_ to me before, are buzzing in with questions then buzzing right back out. Favor after favor after favor. Even Carla, who had come in earlier to offer me her congratulations, came back only to ask for a favor.

I haven't even had this role for a whole day, people! What in God's name do you want me to do?

And then he came in. Newbie. And while my angry scowl was quickly put in place while my voice demanded an explanation for his presence, an undeniable part of me was relieved. I needed that consistency. The one person that wouldn't just look at me as "The New Chief," but would look at me as Dr. Cox. Someone who most definitely wouldn't forget who I really was; a doctor who cared for his patients. Not some stuffed shirt who just sat behind his desk all day. Newbie would smile in that dopey way he does, probably make an un-funny joke, and then be on his Newbie way. It was a consistency I could count on, but then…

"Look, my pneumonia patient is being discharged and he's not ready. If he goes home now he could develop ARDS, he could relapse; even fall and break his hip! I need you to keep him here longer."

I can't believe it. Newbie too? I swallow, eyes focused on my paper work. Don't lose it, Per. Don't lose it. I'm able to look up and give him a response in a moderately even tone. No sarcasm. No anger. Maybe then he'll see how stressed I am; how serious this is. Maybe if I keep out the girls' names and the rants, he'll understand that I just can't do this right now. If anyone would understand, it'd be Newbie, right? Because despite the man-child's whining and clinging and all too girly mannerisms, he's always seemed to have some knowledge as to how to deal with me. But…

"…Okay, you know what? We're cool."

And that's when something inside me snaps. Because he didn't just say that with a dopey grin or along side a cheesy little joke. His voice, and even his face, held an obvious amount of restraint; like he was _calming_ himself about having to _deal_ with me. As if my saying no was for shits and giggles. As if I somehow didn't care about the patients anymore. As if he didn't just hear a _damn word_ of what I just said. As if…as if I'm not even Dr. Cox any more! To the staff, to the patients, to him…

Him…where did all that hero worship go? Where did that need for my approval run off to? Is it so easy for him to write me off just because I'm being forced to sit behind this damn desk? Did he suddenly forget the last seven years of me teaching him? Hell, just last week we sat down and had something close to what I'd imagine was the kind of conversation he's always wanted. Did he already forget _that?_

And suddenly all of these thoughts are coming out of my mouth like daggers, and there's a little voice in the back of my head that's telling me to pull back the reigns; that it's getting a little too heated. And the minute my mouth finally closes I can see his face morph into one of utter distraught, so I turn my attention to the Janitor, making some witty comment I can't even remember. I look back, hoping he'd already left so I don't have to stare at that look of immense hurt, but he's still there staring at me, struck, and I demand for him to leave.

I turn back to my paper work in a hurry, not wanting to see that expression any longer, but I definitely don't miss the defeated, "Yes, sir…" as he leaves my office.

The day wears on and I'm actually thinking of tracking the kid down; to subtly see how he's doing, but then he's pounding on my door and demanding the same damn thing, and the only thing that continues to run through my head is, "Where is the real Newbie?" because the one in front of me yelling and pointing his finger sure as hell isn't him.

Alright, fine! I give him his request. Maybe _then_ he'll shut up and see that I'm not just "Chief," but the same damn doctor as before.

So when I see him run up to me in the parking lot, I actually don't drive off. I sigh and turn my head, because I'm a little – God save me – hesitant to see what look he's going to be wearing this time. Defeat? Anger? Triumph? Because I somehow know it won't be the Newbie-like grin I've been expecting all day long. But then he gives me the last damn thing I wanted to hear.

A thank you.

If he still saw me as his mentor, if he still saw me as Dr. Cox, he wouldn't be thanking me, because fighting the system in order to help a patient is something I've done every day since starting here, and he knows it too. If he still saw me as that person, he'd be impressed, but he wouldn't feel the need to thank me, because it's just something I do. But now he's acting like it's the most incredible thing in the world; like the big bad Chief would _never_ do something to help out an innocent sick man.

"Go to hell."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and I drive away almost instantly. I don't want to stay long enough for me to feel regretful and apologize, and I sure as hell don't want to stick around to see that look of hurt on his face again. It's too much right now. It's just too damn much.

I guess I shouldn't have taunted him with that fake get away trip the next day, but honest to _God_, I ra-_heely_ didn't think he'd buy it. What pissed me off the most though was how _un-_satisfied I felt at the fact that he did. He'd seriously been willing to travel to a lake side cabin just to spend time with me? After I told him to go to hell? Maybe…maybe I misinterpreted him not seeing me as me anymore?

But it's as I'm pondering over this that he storms into my office uninvited, demanding yet _another_ request from me.

I give it to him, but not without a vengeance. I whisper the words to Jack who doesn't even understand the situation or what he's saying, and he repeats them well; maybe _too _well. And I realize as Newbie asks why or how I could do that, that it was just a little too over the top, even for me, but I'm sure as hell not going to admit that. (Or the fact that I honestly don't think his son is ugly) It's not even until later, as I'm giving Jack his promised Jelly Beans by the nurses' station, do I realize yet another reason why my latest prank could be considered too mean.

Carla nudges Barbie and points to the kid being wheeled in to surgery to have his tonsils removed. "Can you believe that kid's name is Sebastian Tucker Daniels?"

"So?"

"That would make his initials 'STD!' What kind of parent would do that to their kid?"

"Oh, c'mon, Carla…I'm sure it wasn't on purpose. At least he has a normal name length wise. First, middle, and last. Poor Sammy's going to take longer when he first starts writing his name in kindergarten."

I don't know why this strikes me enough to intervene, but I can't stop myself on time before asking, "Why in the hell would it take him longer?"

Barbie raises her eyebrows at me, startled, but then grins slightly, as if what I just said was some huge joke. "Oh, please, like you don't know."

"Know what?"

"What JD named Sammy!"

"I'm gonna go ahead and take a _wild_ guess that he named him, gee, I don't know, _Sammy._"

Barbie lets out an aggravated huff, allowing enough time for Carla to intervene. "His _full_ name Dr. Cox. You honestly don't know?"

I shake my head, not getting why it's assumed I'd know something I was never even told.

"He named him Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian. You really didn't know that?"

I'd probably still be staring at her, slightly wide eyed and not quite knowing what to say, if it wasn't for Jack's sudden demand for the bathroom. I eagerly pick him up and bring him to the men's room, feeling like shit on the way.

So I do my best at lunch to not provoke the kid when he joins us at the table, and I even criticize Bobbo about making that, "We're like brothers," comment, and I don't even mock him for when he stands up and proclaims that he's done with me. (Which, _much_ to my annoyance, stung)

But the day wears on and I hardly see Newbie after that. Through out the craziness and the stress and the anger, there were multiple times where I mistook a scampering intern for the patter of his feet behind me. Or I'd go to whistle his name only to remember that he wasn't trailing after me; because who would want to be with the big bad Chief? And as I'm realizing all of this, I also realize even more than before, how, despite knowing he's not an all around asshole, I still don't want to be another Kelso. I want to be more like _my _mentor had been, Dr. Benson, but he was always a more patient man than me, and right now, with everything that's happening, I'm not sure if I can pull that off. I'm not sure if I can _ever_ pull that off.

But I'd like to. And I hope that Newbie knows that. I can't help it; I just do.

_**A/N:**_ _I still can't imagine the series ending with those two the way they are now, so let's keep the optimism rolling. Oh, and about Perry not knowing Sammy's full name: I realized that we never actually witnessed anybody, JD included, telling Perry about naming his son after him. And since JD himself couldn't even admit it to Kim as to why he was naming him Perry – "Because it has a nice ring to it," – I figured he probably didn't run off just to tell the man himself. Anyway, that's it from me. Hope you guys enjoyed it. I'll go back to working on an actual story now. lol _


End file.
